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Talk:Jessica/@comment-25505941-20141011174838
Full of clichés and doesn't work as a creepypasta in the slightest. You use mental illness and MPD in almost every wrong way possible, I hope you realize that things like that don't work that way. Have you ever taken psychology lessons or even did a slight ''amount of research before you started bringing it up? Just because it adds to the 'creepy and weird' factor (granted there's nothing creepy or even remotely scary or weird in this story to begin with) doesn't mean you have to randomly throw it in when there's no logical explanation for it. Sure, Cameron's mother's cancer slapped him in the face when he least expected it and his brother suddenly died of depression (which again, there is no full explanation for, not even speculation), and he locked himself in his room after school to play Pokémon, but I'm pretty sure that's called Depression, Socially Inept or Can't Move the Fuck On. What you're thinking of is a watered and dumbed down version of ''Schizophrenia. DId I mention that this was riddled with clichés? Oh wait, yeah. Why don't we scan through the story and point out everything wrong with it? "JESSICA DIED!" "Jessica's sprite had gone back to normal, but something was different. Where-as the Pikachu sprite normally bounced, Jessica did not, and she seemed to be looking at me, her eyes locking onto mine quietly, the detailed brown eyes filled with emotion I never knew could be seen in a game; hatred, anger, resentment, sorrow... they were not happy eyes. As I closed her status page, another message flashed up." "...there was a gaping wound; inside could be seen intestines, bones, cracked ribs and with copious amounts of blood dripping from it, covering the white belly-fur and staining it red. I could see its heart, and with a sickening turn of my stomach, I saw it beating feebly within the shattered ribcage." " I knew my DS microphone was fine, so I pressed 'record', and took a deep breath." "What's wrong, Cameron? Can't stomach what you did to me? Your closest friend, the one who you so mercilessly killed?" WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL. THERE IS NOTHING LOGICAL OR EVEN REMOTELY REALISTIC ABOUT THIS. Creepy Clichés, How to Write a Creepypasta and Rules ARE THERE FOR A REASON. As I read through this story, it becomes more and more obvious that you haven't taken the time or even had a shred of common decency to read either one of these things. Intestines, bones and abuse of blood? A Pikachu with abandonment issues and a game suddenly talking to you? JUST FUCKING STOP. WE GET 100 OF THESE A DAY. Let's be brutally honest, this is not as much a creepypasta as it is a sob story. It isn't even worthy of being on FanFic, and I've seen things on there. Okay, the story went fine. For about 5 minutes. It does have its merit for the starting paragraph but is completely ruined and predictable the moment Jessica is brought up. 1/10. GG.